The most common coping technique is what is known as the "sick day." According to statistics that I just made up for the purpose of proving my point, 128 percent of Americans admit to calling in sick to work so they could have a day off, even when they weren’t, in fact, sick. Please note that the number doesn’t add up to 100 percent because of "rounding."

One of the tell-tale signs that you’re not really sick is that you’re not at work, but it’s even more obvious that you’re lying when you very suddenly get "ill." It’s even more obvious when you make an even more sudden recovery just as you use up all of your sick leave. But I bet you see your co-workers doing this all the time. One day, they are their regular old selves, busy complaining about how they have so much work to do and how they’ll never get it all done, and how they really should give it all up and study to become a tug boat operator.

The very next day, though, they call in sick. And not just with the common cold or flu. This illness is really something horrible — and rare. It sounds like sort of a cross between strep throat, chronic diarrhea and Mad Cow Disease. And it sprang up all of the sudden! They call in, complaining of weird body fluids flying out from all sorts of orifices. It’s impossible to breathe. It’s like a pregnant hippopotamus is standing on their chests while the papa hippo is sprawled out on top of their spleen reading the newspaper. And the papa hippo won’t budge. His eyes are fixed on the Family Circus comic, following Billy (age 5) from the swing, along the fence, to the neighbor’s house to smell the apple pie cooling on the window sill, to the other side of the page where he’s also filling in for Dear Abby this week.

And we haven’t got to the unbearable headache yet. It feels almost like acupuncture, except with lawn darts. They claim they might go to the doctor later in the day, but right now they’re busy trying to control the pain with "baby aspirin."

Then something incredibly amazing happens. They’re back at work the very next day. Their eyes aren’t crossed. They aren’t dripping any odd-colored fluids. There are no unsightly hoof prints permanently etched into their foreheads. It’s almost as if they wired their entire life savings to that nut preacher on the televangelist channel who then arranged a special high-speed "salvation" charter flight to rush them to his studio where he waved his hands over their dying bodies, passionately yelling "Rise! Just as Bachrahd cured his flock of sheep when they tripped on a storm drain in the Valley of the Shininites, you’ve been healed!" It’s truly a miracle. They’re back to their regular selves... until next week.

Of course, it’s no miracle at all. Everyone knows they were faking. What’s truly amazing is how they’re able to get away with it all the time. Heaven knows YOU would never be able to get away with it. Your boss would want to know which intensive care unit you’re in so he could move the staff meeting there. That’s why if you’re ever going to try to pull off a sick day, you’re going to have to give a performance that would win you more than just the best actor Academy Award. You’re also going to have to earn Oscars for best special effects, lighting, choreography, and original score.

Before you rush out to hire a stunt double and rent a fog machine, you should get on the Work Sucks e-mail list. That way you'll get a personal reminder when the book is finally published so you can read the rest of this chapter, which includes the three foolproof steps to a perfect "sick" day.

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