If there’s any good to come from the potential break-up of Microsoft, it would have to be that it would allow some of the less fortunate to realize their dreams of becoming attorneys with personal yachts rivaling the size of the space shuttle.

Another good thing is that Bill Gates might not be able to afford a hair transplant operation, not that he ever paid to have it styled.

While that all sounds good, Microsoft also says it won’t have enough money to innovate either. You can forget about some exciting new features, such as a print button that actually causes your document to print, a web browser that displays pages other than that "404 error message," and new software that automatically generates chants for protest groups.

The chant writing software would be an important advance. With unemployment at all-time lows, few people have time to write protest chants. It seems everyone these days is working for some evil corporation. That leaves just a few people who have time to protest global warming, meat eating, and the sweatshop conditions at PBS since poor Jim Lehrer is still anchoring the news hour solo.

Those few protestors are too busy protesting to sit down and actually write chants, which is why the protest cries have grown so uninspired over the past few years. Consider this chant used during President Clinton’s impeachment trial:

Hey hey!
Ho ho!
Slick Willie
Has got to go!

And this chant, which pierced the clouds of tear gas during the Seattle World Trade Organization meeting:

Hey hey!
Ho ho!
W-T-O
Has got to go!

And memorable rallying cry in support of Cuban refugee Elian Gonzales:

Hey hey!
Ho ho!
Little Elian
Has got to stay!

That’s precisely the kind of problem that technology could solve. With a high-speed Internet connection and web camera, little Elian could video conference with his Miami relatives. It would almost be like he never left.

And maybe, if Microsoft was allowed to stay together, it could also solve the problem of uninspired chants. Maybe it would come up with Microsoft Chant 2000 where all you’d have to do is type in the name of your target and click on a pre-defined protest template. The Chant Wizard would then come up with a rallying cry in perfect rhythmic pentameter.

Let’s say you’re really upset about the gourmet rat-kabobs shown on the CBS television show "Survivor." You could be like all the other protestors, dressed in rat costumes, shouting "Rats Have Rights!" Or you could be out there with Microsoft Chant 2000 and a Pocket PC, shouting:

Leave them alone
Those disease-carrying vermin!
They have rights,
Like detective Mark Fehrman!

The government won’t allow progress like that. The problem with protestors is that what they really want is legislation. Congress is too busy as it is. A new Congressional study found it takes now five years of debate, committee hearings and sex scandals to pass a two-year budget.

But we can’t afford to sit idly by and allow the government to hinder progress. It’s time to chant. My computer suggests:

With a break-up
Innovation would halt
Just like !!FATAL ERROR!!
General Protection Fault