Part 1: Why Work Sucks.
Chapter 1. "The History of Ugh." Work has sucked since even before the beginning of time. You may hate your job now, but just imagine what work must have been like before the invention of direct deposit.

Chapter 2. "Golf, Sucking Up, and Squirrel-Colored Toupees." Let’s just imagine for a minute what it would be like if the business train was on its tracks, moving full speed ahead, the dining car loaded with tasty, edible food. You’d have an entire group of people — bosses — with absolutely nothing to do.

Part 2: Becoming A Boss.
Chapter 3. "Are You Management Material? A Fairly Short Quiz." Consider this balance sheet: Expenses $63.8 billion; income $10. Depending upon how you react, you could be well on your way to a corner office.

Chapter 4. "I’d Like To Thank The Academy...." So you’re too smart for a cushy management job. You could always act like a blithering idiot.

Chapter 5. "Meetingzzzzzzzz." The standard business meeting is capable of actually stopping the atomic clock, while people continue to move, talk and point to pie charts in real-time. This chapter teaches you how to conduct meetings like a real manager.

Chapter 6. "You've Got Mail. You've Got Mail. You've Got Hard Drive Full." If there’s anything worse than having to be in a meeting at 5 o’clock on a Friday afternoon, it would be logging onto your computer system to find you have 262 new electronic mail messages, only one of which is a dirty joke you haven’t heard yet.

Chapter 7. "Talking Like A Boss Without Allot of Effort." Learn how to sound like a boss by writing sentences like, "Its going to take allot of time — to long — to get their too the fancy restaurant four lunch without a show fur."

Chapter 8. "Last One In Is A Rotten Egg." No matter how much any company plans for growth, no matter how much it wants that growth to happen, no matter how much it wants to be one gigantic monopoly that controls everything, it will eventually run out of space to expand the hot tub in the executive washroom. That’s when it’s time to start firing employees.

Chapter 9. "Morale Problems, The Corporate Barnacle." Let’s face it, your company has a morale problem. It’s just something that develops naturally over time, like ring around the collar!

Part 3: Coping.
Chapter 10. "Viva La Hit Fund." By now, you should have come to expect that the workplace is about as much fun as riding on the 1,500-foot tall water slide at the new amusement park, only without running water and the ride is covered with nettles. Here’s how to get away from that extremely annoying person who stole your Aloe Vera-enriched First Aid cream.

Chapter 11. "Can’t You ‘C’ How Sick I Am?" So many people are calling in sick to avoid work that even management has figured out what is really going on. And these are the same people who apparently can’t tell the difference between drinkable coffee and cigarette butts. This chapter contains the three-step system for the perfect sick day.

Chapter 12. "The Pretend Business Meeting." Take extra breaks during your work day. Say that you’re going to a meeting when you’re really leaving to shoot pool.

Chapter 13. "Meeting? What Meeting?" My handheld personal organizer never alerted me.... Never get stuck in another real meeting again.

Chapter 14. "Save For Retirement or Steal Office Supplies." As much fun as it is to call in sick, as fun as it is to go to imaginary meetings, work still sucks. Here are some alternate ways to make money.

Chapter 15. "Something Funny Here." Due to higher than expected costs related to our secret Internet strategy, an impending merger, and the boss’s heroin habit, we can’t afford to put an actual chapter here. So we’re going to the mailbag for a much cheaper to produce question-and-answer section.

Chapter 16. "Let Them Eat Crawfish." Let’s start enjoying life. Let’s stop placing so much emphasis on trying to please people who can’t be pleased. After all, eagles may soar, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines.

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